


you're not a monster, just a human, and you've made a few mistakes

by takethebreadsticksandRUN



Series: Give Breadsticks A Prompt! [6]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Carte Blanche Setting (Penumbra Podcast), Descriptions of a Panic Attack, Diamond (implied), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Abusive Relationship (non-explicit), believe me, child abuse (mention), definitely in season three, grudging friendships, idk man don't think about it, juno argues with nureyev and gets jumpy after that, juno is babey no i don't take constructive criticism, no beta we die like Hyperion mayors, nureyev is a good boyfriend, peter nureyev and vespa ilkay is peak wlw and mlm affectionate rivalrly guys, this is a commission from something i did a while ago it's kind late sorry, this sounds kind of rough but its super soft i promise, when does this happen?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29166567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takethebreadsticksandRUN/pseuds/takethebreadsticksandRUN
Summary: Juno didn’t want to annoy Nureyev any further. Their earlier argument had left him feeling prickly and unsettled, his breath caught in his chest, waiting for the next blow to come. There was always a consequence to a fight, that’s just how this worked. Juno couldn’t expect for this to just melt into the background of their relationship, no, it would be brought up again, thrown in his face somehow, and he would feel guilty because he was /guilty/.ORpast relationships left juno with some ~issues~ and this shows one day
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Series: Give Breadsticks A Prompt! [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2081154
Comments: 4
Kudos: 126





	you're not a monster, just a human, and you've made a few mistakes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roryjoan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roryjoan/gifts).



> thiis is a prompt from the lovely roryjoan (thank you!) i had fun with this one, for some reason i really love writing juno in this type of situation? it's not exactly canon compliant but oh well, i hope you like it!  
> trigger warnings-  
> implied past abuse  
> panic attack  
> blood (mention)  
> self-loathing thoughts  
> if that triggers you in any way please don't read! it's not that heavy but still, please be careful  
> enjoy!  
> xxx

“Juno, dear, is that really the best place for this to go?”

Nureyev held up a wrinkled t-shirt, having just picked it up off the floor. Juno looked up at him from the bed where he sat, reading notes that Vespa had given him on the Curemother Prime.

“Uh, maybe? Is there a wrong answer here?”

Nureyev half-laughed, half-sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. “I’m only saying that you have a closet, cubbies, _and_ drawers for a reason. Why not use them?”

Juno rolled his eyes. “Okay, mister I’m-a-professional-organizer, need I remind you what _your_ room looked like a few weeks ago? Just because you and Buddy did some bizarre cleaning ritual-“

He looked affronted. “Ms. Kondo is a wonderful woman, we could have used her on Brahma.”

“-does _not_ mean you are allowed to critique my tidying habits,” he finished doggedly. He leaned back on his pillows, surveying the less-than-organized room, from the scattered papers to crumpled clothes hiding in various corners. It wasn’t a disaster, not like Nureyev’s had once been, but it was far from spick-and-span.

“Or lack thereof,” Nureyev muttered. “All I mean,” he said, louder now, ”Is that you could stand to pick up a bit more.”

“Okay,” Juno exploded. “I’m _sorry_ that I’m such a mess, alright? Do you know how hard it is to do things sometimes? Sometimes I cannot bring myself to get out of bed, to get dressed, to remember that I am a person who needs to live. Yeah, it’s getting better, Nureyev, but not all of us can slip on a mask and playact a perfect person at the drop of a hat. I’m trying!”

He was suddenly aware of the echoing of his voice around the room, how silent Nureyev had gone. 

_Oh._

_Oh no._

The words _little monster_ suddenly roared inside his head, memories of Sarah Steel shouting at him and Benten superimposed over the scene in front of him.

He was just the same as his mother. Angry, explosive, _violent_. Juno knew he wasn’t his past, his parentage, but still, he could feel her blood in his veins and it burned white-hot sometimes, letting him know that he could never truly be free of her.

Diamond had seen that in him. They had known how terrible Juno could be, they dealt with him accordingly. Maybe it hurt, but didn’t he deserve it? Didn’t he deserve punishment?

He closed his eyes, taking a shuddering breath, but Nureyev spoke first.

“Love, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

He broke in with an incredulous laugh. “Are you serious? I should be the one apologizing, I don’t know why I blew up like that, I didn’t mean to-“

Nureyev sat down on the edge of the bed cautiously, like he was a live grenade liable to explode. “No, Juno, I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

Incapable of anything but nodding mutely, Juno wrapped his arms around the wiry man and hugged him tight.

He inhaled the scent of Peter Nureyev, that cologne that never left, hating himself for not being able to trust himself.

“’m sorry, Nureyev,” he whispered again.

~~~

He didn’t bring up the topic of Juno’s messy room again, but he caught Nureyev eyeing the clutter distastefully. In order to avoid another potential blow-up, Juno spent the afternoon with Rita going through the disaster and straightening it up.

It was exhausting work, but at last, it was done.

“Gee, boss, I can’t remember when the last time we cleaned up one of your messes was,” Rita rattled away happily as she folded away the last of the clothes. “It musta been way back on Mars, you know, before the whole mess with Newtown for sure, maybe even before you met with that old wrinkly guy, what was his name? I can’t remember now so it must not have been important, but I think the last time we really cleaned up was after- after Diamond.”

She stopped talking abruptly, casting him a worried look.

Juno smiled instinctively, something that was coming easier but still felt unnatural at times. The path to happiness, as Buddy called it, wasn’t linear, he was learning, and it definitely wasn’t easy. He knew that, he knew that it would be hard and uncomfortable, but that didn’t change the fact that it was frustrating, still blowing up at times or having to fake a smile.

“I think you’re right, Rita,” he said as warmly as he could. “Thank you for helping me.”

She beamed at him. “Of course! What are friends for, if not to help ya out when you need it?”

Juno glanced ruefully around his neat room. “Yeah, now all I got to do is keep it that way.”

She paused her final tidying, stacking papers neatly on his desk. “I hafta ask, boss, what made ya change your mind? I mean before this you were fine with having a mess, ya know.”

He shrugged uncomfortably. “I wouldn’t say _comfortable_.”

Juno didn’t want to annoy Nureyev any further. Their earlier argument had left him feeling prickly and unsettled, his breath caught in his chest, waiting for the next blow to come. There was _always_ a consequence to a fight, that’s just how this worked. Juno couldn’t expect for this to just melt into the background of their relationship, no, it would be brought up again, thrown in his face somehow, and he would feel guilty because he was _guilty_.

Rita didn’t press the issue, a fact for which he was grateful.

~~~

The next morning, he woke with a knot in his stomach. He wasn’t sure why at first, but the sight of his spotless room brought back memories of the previous day. Juno groaned, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow. He wished it hadn’t happened, but what’s done is done.

He just needs to deal with the consequences.

He pulled on a ratty shirt and padded out of his room, blearily rubbing at his eyes. He almost bumped into Vespa, who was stalking out of the med-bay as he passed.

“Hey, watch it, Steel,” she growled. “You want me to drop this on your feet?” She brandished a delicate vial of some sickeningly pink liquid, which was bubbling in an aggressively cheerful way.

“Uh, _no_ ,” he said, “How about you pay attention to your surroundings?”

Vespa laughed harshly. “Bold words coming from a lady who looks like he’s been asleep since the sixth intergalactic war. You and Ransom had a busy night?” She smirked, immensely pleased with herself, but her expression changed when she caught sight of Juno’s look of discomfort.

“Ah, trouble in paradise, I see.”

He rolled his eyes, trying to brush it off without letting her know how worried he was that he had messed everything up. “Mind your own business, Ilkay.”

“Well, well, _someone_ woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Juno, darling, whatever is the matter?”

Buddy had walked up behind him while he was bickering with Vespa. She kissed her wife on the cheek by way of a good morning.

Juno didn’t say anything, scowling at the floor.

Buddy sighed, turning toward the galley with a flourish. “Fine, enjoy your bad mood, but please do _not_ make it everyone else’s problem, I beg of you.”

“I’m not-“

But the captain was out of earshot. Juno shook himself mentally and followed her.

The galley was already full to bursting and as lively as the morning warranted. Rita was sitting on the counter, legs swinging as she talked a mile a minute to Jet, who was pouring a steaming cup of some foul-smelling liquid.

“-and then the bad guy says, wait, you don’t know who he is yet, but he’s the one who bought all the toads at that one shop, remember? With the hair? Anyway, he says to the police officer, _well, excuse me, but I have a permit_ , and then he pulls out of a piece of paper. You know what was on it?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “He wrote _I can do what I want_! Isn’t that genius? And it worked, too! The police officer let him go, just like that.” She collapsed into laughter.

Jet frowned. “Seems like a sad reflection on the justice system.”

Rita looked offended. “Oh no no _no_ Mistah Jet, it was a joke, you know? It was hi- _larious_ , me and Franny were just dyin’ of laughter.”

Vespa had uncorked the vicious-looking vial that she had threatened Juno with. She pulled out a mug and filled it with coffee, then she dumped the substance into it. The concoction frothed and hissed before turning a clear blue, swirls of steam rising from it.

“Hey, isn’t that the thing you said would burn holes through my feet?” he asked, mildly outraged.

Vespa grinned at him, taking a sip. “I asked you if you wanted me to spill it on you, there’s a difference.”

He groaned. “You are the worst. What is that stuff?”

She swirled the mug cupped between her hands. “On its own, it’s a slow-acting poison, best for jobs where you need to escape before the target is dead. In coffee, however, it reacts with the caffeine and turns harmless. It acts as an extra stimulant for when you need a kick of something stronger without the heart failure caffeine can bring.”

Buddy brushed by her. “Oh, dear, I love it when you talk science to me.”

Vespa went red and took a choking gulp. Buddy laughed.

Juno was about to ask for a shot of it for himself when Nureyev walked in.

Maybe it was just his overshot nerves, but he felt the air around him go thick and heavy with tension. None of the others seemed to notice it, Rita chirping a very enthusiastic hello, Jet acknowledging his presence with a sturdy nod, Buddy patting him fondly on the shoulder.

“How goes the morning preparations?” he asked with a yawn, exposing his sharp teeth and blood-red mouth. Juno’s stomach did a triple-flip, burying itself in a mountain of anxiety.

Vespa shrugged. “Rita’s telling Jet all about some stream she watched, Buddy’s being Buddy, Jet’s solemn as ever, I’m probably going to die from a stimulant overdose in the next few years, and Juno’s in a bad mood.”

He absorbed all this information with barely a hint of comprehension, his hair rumpled from sleep.

Juno had to say, the barefoot, disheveled thief in front of him was so different from the Peter Ransom he had first met on the Carte Blanche. That man wouldn’t have been caught dead a hair away from immaculate. No visible blemishes made him untouchable, invincible, but now he was a real person, living and breathing in the messy cycle that was life with the crew.

Nureyev crossed over to the cabinets and pulled out a box of some nutty cereal that the rest of them didn’t touch, partly out of fear, and partly out of disgust for the health-positive slogans decorating the packaging.

“Dear detective, could you pass me a bowl?”

Juno jumped slightly and scrambled to comply. In his haste, he knocked an abandoned mug to the ground. He winced as it cracked and quickly pulled a bowl down from the shelf, handing it to Nureyev. “Sorry, sorry, let me just-“

Juno dropped to his knees and tried to pick up the shattered pieces with his bare hands, not caring how they cut into the soft flesh of his palms. His vision was going blurry around the edges, his breathing loud and painful in his chest.

_Idiot, idiot, idiot, can’t you do anything right?_ he thought viciously, his pant legs soaked with the remnants of the mug's contents.

There was a roaring in his ears, something in his brain telling him to run, to hide, to protect himself, while another part of him knew he had to stay and make this right or risk something worse happening.

“….Juno, stop! You’re bleeding!”

There was a hand on his shoulder and blood on his hands and he was shaking, shaking, shaking, envisioning himself cracking like the mug, shattering into a thousand pieces on the floor.

Long, thin hands grabbed his wrists gently, stilling his frantic scrambling. Nureyev crouched next to him, speaking soothingly. “Dear, _please_ be careful, you are going to hurt yourself. What’s wrong?”

Juno couldn’t meet his eyes. He knew what was coming next, what always happened. He would try to explain himself, or he would try to apologize, or he would say nothing, it wouldn’t matter. Then would come the shouting and the blows and the swearing and he would deserve every bit of it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to break it,” he said, voice shaking. “I can- I can fix it! Just let me…”

Nureyev’s voice was alarmed. “Take a deep breath, Juno, you’re hyperventilating. Buddy, could you give us a moment?” he said.

Juno heard footsteps leaving the galley and his blood ran cold. Being alone was the worst thing that could happen now.

Nureyev squeezed his hands, prying the shards of ceramic out of his fingers before he cut himself any deeper. “You know better than to hurt yourself like this, what’s gotten into you?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll do better,” he all-but-whimpered.

Nureyev pulled back abruptly, getting to his feet.

Juno flinched. “Please-“

He heard Nureyev’s breath catch in his throat, the gasp of understanding. “Oh, _love_.” He sat down across from Juno, a safe distance away, close enough to touch but not enough to hurt. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Juno looked up. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why? I deserve it.” He spoke softly but surely, not knowing why he was pulling his own punishment toward him.

Nureyev leaned forward, his eyes bright. “Listen to me, Juno. You deserve only the best in this world, I promise you. I’m not upset, I’m not going to hurt you, and _no one_ should hurt you. Typically, that’s not how relationships work. You drop something and it is an accident, darling, not something that gets you sent to the gallows.”

Nureyev wasn’t mad at him. He wasn’t upset, why wasn’t he angry? He should be, Juno is a mess and a problem and doesn’t even know how to grow on his own and he must be so exhausting to be around, he can’t risk ruining this-

Suddenly, there were arms around him and Juno realized he had spoken aloud.

He buried his face in Nureyev’s neck and let himself be held, only the barest hint of tension remaining in his trembling limbs.

“I love you, Juno, so much. One little argument isn’t going to change that. Do you believe me?”

He breathed in, steadying himself. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“ _Do you believe me?_ ” Nureyev repeated, stronger this time.

Juno nodded as best as he could. Nureyev breathed out against his head in relief, ruffling his hair lightly.

“Now, dear detective, shall we get you cleaned up? I don’t want the rest of the crew to think that I let the love of my life pick up jagged pieces of a mug. We’ll deal with this mess later.”

Juno let himself be pulled to the closet where the first-aid was kept, a sense of calm replacing the dread in his stomach as Nureyev tenderly cleaned his cuts and bandaged them neatly, and oh, he was so in love with this man.

“I love you,” he said softly.

Nureyev looked up, smiling. “And I, you.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from "It's Alright" by Mother Mother (of course)  
> i didn't exactly go word for word on the prompt but i hope it still delivered...  
> kudos punch diamond, comments send ballistic missiles to whoever hurt juno in the past!


End file.
